You Don't Have To Do It Alone

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This week I have been thinking a lot about support. No matter what challenges are in our lives, it is easier to face them knowing we have someone or something supporting us. My friend's husband died in an accident this week and I am constantly thinking about her. There aren't many more challenging situations to go through than that. But I was reminded of the powerful story of Suzie Morrow (her story is in a previous blog post), and how she worked through the tragedy of losing her husband by focusing on creating the best life possible for her and her children. Her story is such an inspiration. 

I also thought about how another friend of the woman whose husband died, set up a schedule of people to support her each day over the next few weeks with whatever she needs (meals, errands, someone to listen). I thought that was such a great idea. Whenever we are faced with something so overwhelming, it helps to have people around to support us as we take each step forward to rebuilding our lives.

And support is not just important in a crisis. We need support with all the things we want to build and create in our lives. I am on holidays with my children right now and I didn't want to fall into a lazy holiday routine, so my son and I made a fitness plan for our vacation. I know I wouldn't have gotten up early in the morning to run hills by myself! Having someone else that we are accountable to and will encourage us and then doing the same for them, is a win-win. Everything is more achievable when we know someone has our back and is there to help us move forward.

We all need support as we go through all the stages of life. It's important to be able to ask for it or accept it when we need it and equally as important to give it when we can. For me, being a part of a supportive network is definitely a key ingredient for living my best life. What can you do to create the support you would like in your life and to give it to those in need?

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Dream Your Dreams Life Tip #6

When bad things happen...

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When bad things happen, it's hard to know how to react. I find that when something bad happens to me, I am initially in shock. I don't expect something bad to happen. I'm not sure how to react right away. Then when the shock wears off, I try to think of what to do next. How can I fix it, or make it better or palatable in some way? If I can't fix it, then I often get into wondering if I could go back in time to fix it with what ifs... what if I hadn't stopped for coffee, what if I had gone to bed earlier, what if I didn't take that phone call... I don't like feeling bad, so then I try to look for the silver lining. Is there something good I can take from whatever bad thing has happened? At first, it is often hard to find the silver lining. Every time I think of the bad thing that happened, I feel sorry and recycle all my bad feelings about it. But I know that in time, the feeling will fade. I sometimes repeat to myself the zen mantra "this too shall pass." I know intellectually, even if I don't know it emotionally yet, that at some point I will be able to accept what has happened and the bad feelings will subside in time.

I just went through this cycle today. We had close friends visiting from out of town. We had a great visit with them and they spent their final morning with us going on a lovely walk around our neighbourhood, appreciating the beautiful scenery and reflecting on our nice time together. As they were getting ready to leave, they realized their car had been broken into and their iPad was stolen. Immediately, I was shocked. I couldn't believe it had happened. Then I wondered what I should do. I realized I should call the police. While we were waiting for the police to arrive,  I kept thinking about all the what ifs. What if I had told them to park somewhere else? Or had made a point of warning them about recent car break-ins in our neighbourhood? Or if we had checked the car last night or this morning? Then I tried to think of the silver linings - at least there was no damage to the car, at least other things weren't stolen? At least no one was hurt. But it wasn't the way I wanted our visit together to end. I kept thinking about it throughout the day. I know eventually it will seem like a small thing. It might make a good story in years to come - well maybe not a good story but a story we will reminisce about. It will be something we can learn from.

What could learn from this situation? We could learn to be more vigilant about locking things up or be extra cautious with our possessions and those are useful things to learn. But I think the bigger thing to learn is that, bad things can and will happen to us. But we will be okay. The bad feelings will pass. Some bad things, like stolen possessions, are easier to get over because they are just a things. More difficult things to get over are illness and death. Those things permanently change our lives in profound ways. And yet we only have the power to change the things we can. After that there is only acceptance and then gratitude for the wonderful things that remain in our lives.

I wish bad things didn't happen, but they will. I wish people didn't have to hurt sometimes, but that is part of life. I think having an awareness that I will go through a grieving cycle when bad things happen, but that I will eventually get to acceptance and then even to a state of gratitude, will make it easier to deal with the bad things in life.

I hope that when something bad happens in your life, you will be able to get to acceptance and move forward with gratitude to the beautiful things that are ahead of you in life. And beautiful things are ahead of you!

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Your Mirror Image

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My son turned 13 this week and I was reflecting on what a great person he is. He is disciplined and hard-working. He is focused on his goals and has been very successful in school and sports. He is also thoughtful and empathetic to others. He is generous with his friends and family. Overall, he's an amazing person!

I don't feel like I can take credit for those things. Those are his achievements and I am so proud of him. But I do remember when he was born, feeling overwhelmed by the responsibility of being one of the dominant influences in his life. I wanted to do everything RIGHT. I didn't want to damage this perfect little baby by making any mistakes. I soon realized that this is not possible. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. Every parent and child learn by making mistakes together.

I had read so many books on parenting in those early days, hoping to get it right. But I found that some of the things I tried from the books didn't always work well. And some of the theories contradicted each other. I finally decided to put the books on the shelf and came up with my own theory. I decided the best thing I could do for my child was to be the best person I can be. I know that worked for my parents. They weren't perfect but I had observed them working hard to create a great life for our family. I admired my parents and how they were always improving themselves and becoming the best they could be in their careers. And I appreciated how much they did for me and my brother, sometimes sacrificing their own needs so we could have certain opportunities.

And it is pretty obvious that kids are always observing us. I sometimes hear my own words coming out of my children's mouths. Sometimes it's flattering and sometimes it's not. And kids aren't just watching their parents, they are watching all the adults in their lives. We went on a family vacation to Germany with my parents for my cousin's wedding five years ago. My, now 13 year old, son was 8 at the time and he made this observation. "Mommy, Grandpa and Uncle Vittorio are really smart men." I   definitely agreed with him but wondered what made him come to that conclusion so I replied, "Yes, you're right, but what makes you say that." His innocent response made me smile. "They are smart because they treat people how they want to be treated." I understood exactly what he meant. Both my dad and uncle have a way of making people feel understood. Everyone wants that, especially children.

His observation made me think of Maya Angelou's great quote:

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So when I think of the person that I want to be, I want to be a person that makes other people feel great about themselves. I want my children to think I am a "smart woman" because I treat people how they want to be treated. I want my children to reflect back on their upbringing and appreciate that I was always trying to learn and improve and be the best version of myself possible.

Whether you have children or not, the people in your life are learning through your example. My challenge to you today, is to think about who you want to be. What kind of qualities would you like to see reflected back to you by the people mirroring you?  You deserve to see a beautiful image of yourself and you have the power to create it.